Healing is a process. Most don’t even realize they need healing. They are stressed, overworked, burned out, and struggling in their relationships but think it’s just life, feeling misunderstood, anxious, angry, and numb. (scroll much?)
Typically repeating cycles and patterns and wondering, “Why does this keep happening?”
I know. Believe me. I was there for years. I worked 60-80 hours a week, lived in a codependent relationship, lost it on my kids more than I care to admit, and wanted things to be different but struggled to make the changes because “I was so busy.”
In this post, I share what keeps us in the cycles and the most transformative healing modality I have experienced and currently practice with my clients because it is so profound.
You will learn
- What Keeps Us In The Cycles
- Signs of Trauma
- Impacts of Trauma
- The Hidden Key to Overcoming Trauma
- Embracing the Journey: Steps to Heal and Rebuild Trust
Prefer to watch the video? Check it out here:
Staying Stuck:
My excuses were sexy…
- Multi-million dollar work deals – had to work extra hours
- Kids in school with multiple activities – no time to take care of myself
- I was with my partner since I was 17 years old, grew up Catholic – brushed my true feelings under the rug, we have to stay together, just make that passive aggressive comment to release a little steam
Yet, none of this was truth. It was me living in trauma.
Trauma I didn’t even know I had. Trauma that repeated itself with guilt, shame, self-doubt, self-punishment (struggle with negative self-talk?), and more. It was a never-ending spiral of wanting out but feeling the setbacks.
In my book Reclaim Your Self, I share in detail what my daily life looked like and the traumatic event that occurred in 2017 that turned into a miracle and was the catalyst for my transformation.
I wasn’t listening to the whispers of my aching body, overwhelmed mind, and tumultuous emotions. I was living day to day, just trying to get through. Even with a successful career and loving family, my life felt unfulfilling.
I had no idea some of me didn’t believe I was worthy of healing. A new realization, even after years of healing.
I discovered this indoctrinated belief recently in my master’s program. We were assigned to pick an item from a list in the research paper “Out of the Spiritual Closet: Organizers Transforming the Practice of Social Justice.” I chose Creating Space to Heal and Transform Ourselves. (source) And this quote specifically:
“Often, the legacy of oppression makes us think we do not deserve healing. This legacy encourages us to feel guilty for prioritizing ourselves. When we are working in crisis mode we don’t feel we have time for healing. We have to confront these internalized messages of low self worth and demand the healing we deserve.” (source)
I struggled with this thought concept. My mind directly went to. I’m worthy of healing. But that is now, not then. Not when I was stuck in the daily grind, reliving trauma. Then, I didn’t even know I needed healing. I didn’t even know what healing was, or trauma for that matter.
I asked my classmates for clarity on why one would believe they are not worthy of healing, and a fellow grad student and mental health professional offered her insight:
“In my work, I see many people who are unable to even see their realities as “bad” or harmful or traumatic because so many others have it worse- the comparison game is strong. We also live in a culture that glorifies suffering. There are narratives at play that suggest that suffering is the ultimate human experience (especially in the context of organized religion), not joy or pleasure. While suffering is part of the experience- it is not the only part. In addition, Capitalism tells us we must earn healing- not that it is our inherent right. We must earn rest, joy, pleasure… Patriarchy tells women especially that we must be Human Givers, that our job is to emotionally support others, and when we do “self care” that it is selfish… there is so much influencing this.” – Mental Health Professional
Her comment made me take a deep breath. Her insight comes from years of professional experience, this is reality.
I didn’t necessarily see my life as “bad.” Some so many people had it worse. “My life isn’t that bad.” I would assure myself. So many people don’t have a home or food. Yet, that didn’t stop the nagging feelings eating me inside. This constant belief that I was bad or not good enough played out as my constant attempt to prove or earn my worth.
This striving made my life on the outside look amazing. Yet, inside, I felt empty and alone, often dreading my daily obligations. I just thought it was a part of life.
As my classmate relays, many of us have been taught to think that suffering is what we are meant to experience. Not joy and definitely not pleasure and if you’re going to rest, well, you better have earned it.
These indoctrinated beliefs keep us stuck in suffering, believing our joy, pleasure, and rest is not worthy of experiencing.
Signs of Trauma:
I did not know I had symptoms of trauma. Honestly, I didn’t even realize I experienced trauma. I knew I had unwanted experiences but did not know it was trauma. I learned people who have trauma-related experiences tend to experience hyperarousal and/or hypoarousal and can oscillate between the two. (source) While there are different types of responses to trauma, here are a few symptoms of hyperarousal and/or hypoarousal. (source)
Signs of hyperarousal and hypoarousal from trauma-related experiences:
- Emotional reactivity
- Hypervigilance
- Fight or flight response
- Numbing of emotions
- Reduced physical movement
- Freeze response
Hyperaroused individuals can struggle to use their emotions as signals to make meaning, as they are typically unable to trust their bodily sensations. (source) These individuals usually respond reactively and impulsively rather than reflectively and adaptive. (source) Hypoaroused individuals normally disconnect from their emotional experiences.
I was experiencing both hyperarousal and hypoarousal, snapping at my kids, overreacting to small things, numbing out with overwork, spending countless perfecting every detail, feeling lethargic, and having no energy.
It’s documented that traumatic events take a toll on the mind and body even if no direct bodily harm occurs. (source)
Impacts of Trauma:
Like many women I support, I felt like I had lost a sense of myself, and while some may argue, we are never lost or lose ourselves. I didn’t feel like me, and I didn’t know who I truly was. Whatever you want to call it, I was somewhere I didn’t want to be. I was someone I didn’t recognize as me.
The traumatic events experienced early in life rob us of control, power, safety, and trust. Then, we spend the rest of our lives trying to regain that sense of control, power, safety, and trust in one way or another.
Power and control go hand in hand. As we work to assert our power, we tend to control.
- Control: Have you ever been called a control freak?
- Power: Have you ever tried to assert dominance over your children, partner, coworker, or yourself to do things a certain way?
Perfectionism, self-sabotage, overworking, self-blame, internalizing guilt, suppressing emotions, eating disorders, numbing out, and toxic relationships are all examples of working to assert our control and power. We feel these are in our “control,” yet our tendencies typically end up hurting us.
Judith Herman, M.D., psychiatrist, researcher, professor, and author, explains that when one feels out of control in their body, a lack of attention to their basic health needs occurs – they don’t focus on their basic needs such as sleep, eating, exercising, and stress management. (source)
I spent countless hours working to control many things beyond my control. I had no time to support my basic needs, such as sleep, eating, exercising, and stress management.
The need for power and control is one of the reasons I overworked. I wanted to feel like I had the power to control my life. This need for control and power caused my coping strategy of over-achieving. Working made me feel like I was in control and powerful, but in reality, work controlled me.
- Safety: Have you ever overprepared for a presentation or project while feeling like there was never enough time (anxious) and being critical of yourself? All the while staying up late and not setting boundaries around your time. Have you walked on eggshells around others or not spoken your truth to keep the peace?
These are all signs of feeling unsafe in your environment, mind, body, and emotions.
Trust: The Hidden Key to Overcoming Trauma:
In both academic research and personal and professional experience, I have found a common denominator among all the challenges associated with trauma.
It is a lack of trust.
We learn to lack trust in ourselves, our bodies, our minds, our emotions, others, and a greater power.
Trust and worth go hand in hand. Most who struggle to trust themselves struggle with low self-worth. Trust and worth are even combined in one word: trustworthy. To feel trustworthy, we try to prove ourselves to others while ignoring our needs. The key is self-trust. Yes, trust in others is important, yet self-trust is crucial to healing.
A lack of self-trust was visible in every aspect of my life. A lack of self-trust directly impacts confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth. Yet, it can be so discreet it’s hard to pinpoint.
Let me give you some examples of how this happened in my life.
- I would try to do everything on my own, rarely asking for help (I didn’t want anyone to know how bad it was or that I needed help – I felt a lot of shame for not being able to do it all on my own)
- If I did ask someone for help I would inevitably end up doing the tasks on my own or researching it or adding to it or starting before they even had time to get back to me.
- I would try to find the “right” time to tell someone something for fear of how they may react.
- I struggled with communication. I would steer clear of deep conversations with others or share how I truly felt – ever stayed silent to keep the peace?
- Staying/playing small – not going for my dreams and instead fulfilling others
- Early in my intimate relationships, I struggled with jealousy
- Defensiveness – I felt like I had to justify why I made certain decisions and the things that I said
- Proving myself to others – hello multiple accomplishments brought to you by overwork
- Impatience: It always seemed that everything I wanted in my life was coming in too slowly – I did a lot of forcing things to happen.
- I doubted my abilities. My confidence was determined by how others felt about me. If I had let my confidence be determined by how I felt about myself, I would have had none.
The result of trauma instilled a lack of self-trust, which led to doubt and anxiety (which I refer to as an uncomfortable misplaced emotion). I didn’t know how I felt. I didn’t know how to express my emotions. I doubted how I felt.
Doubt seeks external validation and approval to confirm you’re doing it “right.”
Yet, doubt wants to know that it will be loved and accepted. Doubt is not grounded; it will have you doing a million things to ensure you will get something “right.” Doubt is lonely; doubt is not knowing how or when to act or questioning the how and when. It’s always waiting on outside cues. Ultimately, doubt is sad and shamed; it is just wanting to experience what it is to truly be loved for who it is, not what it does.
Doubt lacks trust. Trust is severed in Trauma. Self-trust heals doubt.
Embracing the Journey: Steps to Heal and Rebuild Trust:
In our healing journey, we establish trust in ourselves and others, our bodies, our minds, and our environments. As we build self-trust, taking initiative, taking action, carrying out plans, and exercising independent judgment are critical. (source) One’s actions determine recovery, the ability to count on oneself, and the ability to take good care of oneself. (source) Creating safety requires making life changes, some of which are difficult.
Most women in my community desire freedom. That means different things to them, but they all crave freedom. Freedom is felt in safety and recovery. The feelings of safety are established through each action taken toward freedom.
Freedom is developed through healing. In healing, we gain self-worth, self-compassion, self-forgiveness, and self-trust. All of these help us feel free.
Freedom comes in each moment. In my bestselling book Reclaim Your Self, I teach the 3-Step Rediscovery Process to guide healing. To aid your journey to freedom and self-trust, here is a process to support your journey.
The 3-Step Rediscovery Process:
The most radical thing we can do is feel our feelings; even more radical is to honor those feelings. The 3-Step Rediscovery process guides us to build self-trust by honoring our emotions.
Step 1: Realize
- When you are feeling overwhelmed or experiencing one of the signs from above or have an emotion that arises, the key to the first step is acknowledging how you feel without trying to change it. Like humans, our emotions want to be seen, known, heard and understood. The first step in this process is realization.
Step 2: Reconnection
- The key to step two is non-judgmental acceptance. Honor and accept the feeling and the emotion that lies below the feeling. Many of us have been taught there are good emotions and bad emotions when, in reality, emotions are here to communicate with us and guide us on our journey. Not to override our system but to guide us. I want to ensure we understand the difference between emotion and behavior. Every emotion is valid. Not every behavior is valid. Our behaviors follow our emotions and can hurt ourselves and others. This is why it is so important to honor your emotions daily.
Step 3: Release
- The key to step three is to listen to what you need and offer forgiveness. Listening to ourselves can be difficult because it has been ingrained in us that others know best. So listen to yourself and ask yourself questions… what do I need? Also, forgiveness is the most powerful way to the heart. The heart opens with each forgiveness we offer. And forgiveness is not saved just for others. Self-forgiveness is critical in the healing process.
Healing from trauma is a journey. We live in a capitalistic society and may feel we must hurry up and heal at all costs. So we can be “better,” “fixed,” or “healed.” But the healing journey is a spiral—so have reverence for the parts of you in the in-between stage. Don’t rush your process. Honor how you feel now—honor where you are now. There’s no need to spiritually bypass your emotions or experiences and instill toxic positivity. You don’t have to pretend everything is okay or try to feel grateful when you need to feel angry. Allow for the in-between. Take your time. Healing occurs in the everyday moments. There is no place we are getting to. Freedom is within.
“The core experiences of psychological trauma are disempowerment and disconnection from others.” (Herman, 1997, 133)
So a powerful way to heal trauma is to empower yourself and connect with yourself and others.
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