Common traits in codependency include caretaking behaviors, consistently putting the needs of others before their own, difficulty with boundaries and roles, challenges with control, and lack of self-esteem. (source)
In addition, those who suffer from codependency experience low self-worth, self-identification based on external validation, unrealistic expectation of herself and others, the belief that caring means being responsible for those she cares about, feelings based on the feelings of others, and dependence on people and things outside of herself. (source)
If you’ve experienced any of the symptoms above, you’re not alone. Research has provided socially recognizable characteristics and behaviors that continue to provide relief to people who are navigating the challenges of codependency. However, we need to understand the origns and the impacts of labeling historically feminine traits as codependent. Which is what we will address in this blog.
Here we will discuss:
- The history and impacts of codependency
- Recognizing codependent characteristics
- The ramifications of attributing historical feminine traits to codependency
- The wholeness possible through healing
Prefer to watch the video? Check it out here:
I was drawn to research this topic due to my personal experiences of growing up in an alcoholic family, marrying a non-identified alcoholic, and experiencing a loss of sense of self throughout my life until I rediscovered the feminine through unlearning, remembering, and healing.
So let’s get started! Here’s how to understand the history and impacts of codependency and reclaim our wholeness.
The History and Impacts of Codependency
Codependency is a widely used term by millions. In the field of psychology and academia, vast amounts of people are labeled and self-identified as codependent. A 1998 study claimed that over 40 million Americans, primarily women, were “appropriately labeled” as codependent. (source)
The original concept of codependency stemmed from the field of alcoholism treatment, where the wives of alcoholic men shared common characteristics. The development of codependency by Alcoholics Anonymous popularized the concept and use of the term codependency in the 1980s. (source)
While researchers have not agreed upon a single definition, we will use this definition for this research: codependency is a lack of self-definition (a loss of sense of self) and seeking identity through external relationships. (source)
The codependency field continues to grow, as demonstrated by the number of academic papers and exploration research published worldwide. (source) In my investigation, as of November 29th, 2023, a year-to-date Google Scholar search for documents with codependency exceeded eight-hundred and seventy papers.
The vast research in this field and the popularity of self-help literature have expanded codependency. The literature review completed for this paper has shown that while many forms of academic research and studies have been conducted over decades, researchers have yet to be successful in identifying the main psychological factors associated with codependency. As such, in my analysis, I have included empirical research and an interpretive phenomenological analysis of the lived experience of codependency. (source)
Literature on codependency suggests the term has expanded so drastically that it can be used to describe nearly anyone. (source) Are the numbers growing because the term has expanded, or is there a collective awakening to the loss of sense of self and a need for identity?
Recognizing Codependent Characteristics:
Research shows that codependents relate to others with an extreme focus outside of themselves and experience the inability to express their feelings. (source) Through research, four main elements of codependency include external focusing, self-sacrifice, interpersonal conflict and control, and emotional constraint. (source)
The following research gives us clear insight into the behaviors that arise when codependency is present, or as I am proposing, the resulting behaviors present when the feminine – the wholeness of who we are – is denied.
The lived experience of self-identified codependent men and women found three interlinked factors: a lack of clear sense of self, patterns of extreme emotional, relational, and occupational imbalance, and an attribution of their current problems related to parental abandonment and control in childhood. (source) These results were not necessarily linked to parental substance misuse. (source)
So, what do codependent behaviors look like in everyday life?
We find the answers in the research paper: The Lived Experience of Codependency: an Interpretative Phenomenological Analysis. (source)
Here is what has been discovered about the lived-experience of codependents:
- Need to Prove Value Through Excessive Engagement: There is a need to prove their value and esteem through excessive engagement in activities that result in struggling with balance. As an example, participants would work too much or swing from self-care to self-deprivation, feeling out of control and unbalanced. When one experiences a lack of sense of self, they tend to experience a “sense of void” or “hole in the soul.” When this occurred in the study, the participants engaged in a frantic pursuit of activities to fill this void, causing a lack of balance and stability. Some shared that their engagement in excessive activity was to escape feeling a sense of void or inner emptiness.
- The Chameleon Behavior: Participants struggled to identify an authentic sense of self (i.e., lack of sense of self), so they would adapt and conform to situations at will and try to fit into situations without regard to their needs, creating frustration and dysfunction in their lives.
- Seesawing Through Extremes in Life: The lack of sense of self is attributed to going through extremes in life and feeling out of control. The participants related their lack of self-definition with occupational and emotional unmanageability, oscillating from one extreme to another. This seesawing caused by codependency was attributed to the occupational and emotional imbalances in their lives.
In the above research, “when individuals do not have their needs validated in childhood, they tend to accommodate to the needs of their parents, developing a defensive or undifferentiated organization of self, termed “false self.”” (source)
The participants from the research study referenced above endured various experiences of growing up in homes with excessive control, criticism, and perfectionism. Understanding these common traits, behaviors, and child-rearing experiences can help one feel a sense of relief knowing that there is a socially recognized explanation for these complex and distressing life experiences. (source)
The Ramifications of Attributing Historical Feminine Traits to Codependency
When I first started researching codependency, I intended to identify codependent behaviors in various patriarchal systems and show the impacts on women. While the research proved negative impacts on women by patriarcial systmes, especially for women who grew up in stressful or alcoholic families. (source) I did not expect to find critiques of codependency written by feminists and non-feminists.
The researchers who criticize codependecy suggest that most of the characteristics used to describe codependency are of traditional female gender roles. (source) As Collins argues in her feminist critiques of codependency, “the codependency literature essentially tells the women reader that femininity is pathology, and for this, she cannot blame society or power relationships but only herself.” (source)
Some suggest codependency is more common for women because it is an “emotional condition of the oppressed” and because women are commonly characterized as nurturers and caretakers. (source)
However, research proves that codependency is no greater a female issue than it is a male issue. One of the research studies compared 77 females and 72 males helping professionals of physicians, nurses, and social workers, and while the majority of subjects in this study reported minimal codependency, males in this study scored significantly higher on the measure of codependency when compared with the female subjects. (source)
Given that codependency impacts both males and females, why is it that females tend to more commonly identify as codependent? Is it possible because the term codependency was first developed to designate characteristics of the spouse of an alcoholic? (source)
We must go back to codependency’s roots in alcoholism to lay the foundation for this argument. Even though codependency was birthed from alcoholism, some studies show “there is not a direct relationship between parental alcoholism and codependence. Rather, codependence primarily reflects negatively valued feminine characteristics which may become exacerbated in situations of parental physical and emotional abuse.” (source) Fuller and Warner expand on this concept: “…this movement has primarily focused on the negative feminine traits and not the positive aspects of the caretaking role.” (source)
Perhaps the concept of codependency was designed to pass responsibility from the male addict to the female spouse, causing females to feel responsible for their partner’s behavior. (source)
Is this the case for codependency? Are we passing the responsibility from the male to the female and making the female responsible for the males actions?
A Personal Reflection: This question required much self-reflection. I have never been fond of labels – so while I acknowledged codependent tendencies, I never identified as codependent. In writing this paper, the realization that my father was an alcoholic and his acknowledgment of that realization has been profoundly healing. I thought it was customary for men to have a few beers each night and alcohol at every party. This lived experience of unidentified alcoholism is most likely why I did not recognize alcoholism in my marriage until my children were born. It was eight years into our relationship when alcohol ‘started’ to become a problem. It is interesting how I resorted to alcohol being the problem and not asserting any responsibility to the user of the alcohol. Did I believe alcohol was the problem? Did I not want to believe that my partner had a drinking problem? Or did I believe I could fix it all on my own? This enabled the passing of my partner’s responsibility onto me to fix the situation.
The Wholeness Possible Through Healing
Understanding the implications of the negative connotations of codependency with feminine traits is imperative. Also, honoring the benefits of having a socially recognized explanation of common traits and behaviors is healing. We can see from the research that separation of self in codependency directly impacts not just one’s sense of self but one’s entire life.
Through my journey of unlearning patriarchal history and learning herstory (will share in a seperate post), I have found wholeness through healing. This healing has enabled me to let go of many codependent behaviors.
In my community along with the 3-Step Rediscovery Process, I also teach the Intuitively Aligned Formula as a pathway to healing. I invite you to watch a quick 5-minute video on the Intuitively Aligned Formula here.
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