There are many times in my life that I have been angry. In fact for a while it was my go to. I was tired, no, I was exhausted. I felt like no one was listening to me. I would ask the kids to clean up or my partner to help and somehow I just ended up doing it all on my own. Then snap at the kids and make passive aggressive comments to my partner or use my version of the silent treatment – only talk when necessary.
At work I was irritable, I always had too much to do and never enough time. It never shut off. I never shut off.
Then one day, I was tired of being angry all the time so I decided to do something different. I worked to understand why I was angry and what was causing the anger within me.
There were many reasons (this is not a comprehensive list)…
- I was not listening to myself, I was not giving myself what I needed and neither was anyone one else.
- I had no time to myself
- I was over-giving
- I was angry
- Anger was covering up my shame, guilt, and grief
- I had a lot of childhood trauma – that I didn’t even know existed
- I felt alone in a marriage
- I didn’t truly love myself
- I was so self-critical and judgmental of anything and everything I did
- I felt like I was stuck in a cycle and I couldn’t get out
- I felt like I had to prove myself in every aspect of my life and if I didn’t I would never be good enough, but who am I kidding, I never did feel good enough, it was never enough, I was never enough
- I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted because I didn’t even know what I wanted, I just knew that whatever I had I didn’t want
It’s funny because all I wanted was to be happy and I couldn’t even do that. It’s been years since this experience. And I have done a lot of work. I mean a lot of work. But the work has been worth it.
I am happier than ever.
And yes, I still get angry. But now I get angry for different reasons. (Okay, okay, sometimes for the old reasons – but I can quickly shift out of that anger) And now I know that when I get angry it’s because the truth is coming. A truth I most likely don’t want to confront so my anger tries to hide what I really feel. But once I get to the truth of the matter, my anger transforms into action.
So, here I am writing again. Writing about truths that at first made me angry but then set me free.
As activist Gloria Steinem says “The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.”
And believe me, on this journey of awakening there have been many things that have pissed me off.
One of the greatest things that pissed me off and still to this day can, are the lies in Christianity. I somehow grew up thinking (most likely because it was indoctrinated into my brain) that the gospels in the Bible were picked by God or at least Jesus, and if not, Jesus then his disciples.
Turns out, as you may already know, that is a lie. Have you ever watched Maury (yes, I did back in 2013) – It’s kind of like “You are not the father” devastation. Yeah, that’s what I felt inside when I learned about the lies of the development of Christianity.
I based my life on it. My whole life. It was devastating.
So, as Gloria says, I was pissed off because I felt like my whole life was a lie. So then I did what any reasonable person would do. I studied the truth, and then decided, again like any reasonable person, to get my masters in Women’s Spirituality so I could study religion and spirituality and the impacts of religion and spirituality on women and gender. Like I said what any reasonable person would do.
Did I get more mad?
Yes.
I did.
But, I felt set free.
For the first time in my life, after reading about the Gospels that were left out of the New Testament and deeply studying the Gospel of Mary, I no longer felt the weight of judgment on my shoulders. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t trying to appease a God outside of me – or anyone else for that matter. For the first time in my life, I felt worthy without having to prove, perfect, or be productive.
Turns out that the relationship I was taught to have with God was the same relationship I was having with everyone else. Codependent. Yes, I had a codependent relationship with God and therefore everyone else.
Let’s define codependency (I’ve studied and written academic papers and lived codependency) So I will offer you an academic plus lived experience definition of codependency. Codependency is our reliance upon ____ (fill in the blank – God, partner, parent, kids, boss, etc) for how we feel about ourselves. Codependency occurs when trust is lost, worth is doubted, and fear takes over. The old – I’m okay if you’re okay tactic.
I was over-giving and selfless, and only okay if others were okay because I thought that’s what God wanted or at least what would get me into heaven. I would sacrifice my feelings, needs, wants, and desires, because that’s what I thought God wanted me to do. Turns out that is the male version of Christianity and not God. Interesting how many religious stories around women are about being selfless – who does this benefit? God or man? I digress… back to the worthy part.
For the first time in my life, I felt worthy at a visceral level, I felt worth in my bones. I felt worthy of being me. I didn’t have to push or prove. I didn’t have to do everything for everyone else, or around the house or at work. I felt like my voice mattered and that I could make a difference. And that is what I want for every woman and girl, every person on this planet.
I want us to feel unconditional love and be inspired to do what we are called to during our time on this earth.
So, if you’re interested in reclaiming your worth and learning more about the development of Christianity and the gospels, and the hidden gospels tune in and watch below…
