Have you ever felt like you need to prove yourself? Maybe in work or at home, with friends or family, in society or culture, in school or church, in what you wear or how you look, or in how you show up on social media?
If you have, you are not alone.
The need to prove is deeply embedded in our DNA, especially for women. Because the need to prove is tightly coupled with value and worth. For centuries, we have had to prove our worth. The intergenerational trauma of being made to not feel worthy for centuries lives in our blood. (Learn more about the impacts of intergenerational trauma on self-worth—at my blog Transforming Self-Worth)
And even when we try to do it all, or just our best, it can feel like it’s never enough. Which can result in feelings of unworthiness, guilt, shame, anger, anxiety, or overwhelm.
I come from a long line of women who have worked hard and still never felt like what they did was enough. Women with careers that were grossly underpaid. Not because they did not work as hard as men, not because they were not as good as men or as smart as men—in fact, in many ways they performed better—but they were underpaid for the same positions because they were women.
As women, and especially mothers, we are not paid for the majority of the work we do.
This brings us to social reproduction, which in simple terms is the invisible work women do in the world, both paid and unpaid. For simplicity in this blog, we will focus on the unpaid work, which I refer to as the invisible backpack. This invisible backpack is what we carry around that others may not see but we feel.
The invisible backpack in my life looked something like this…
In my marriage, I felt like I was also doing more than my husband. I would do the breakfast routine because he was already gone to work. I would do the lunches, kids’ pick-ups and drop-offs, and we would split the dinners, but then I would have to do the dreaded bedtime routine as he laid around and claimed—”They don’t listen to me.” “They want you to do it.” Sound familiar?
Most nights, I would lose my cool during the bedtime routine—tired from working all day, visible and invisible work inside and outside of the home. I just wanted a minute to myself, which I didn’t have, because when I did have a minute I was checking emails or making calls for the kids’ appointments or school or sports. There was no time for me. So, after the third time of asking the kids to get in the bath, I would yell.
I hated yelling. I still don’t like yelling. It makes a part of me shut down out of fear and another part of me anxious that I did something wrong, and that is exactly what I did to my little babies. Yes, babies—I had to learn that the way they made me feel was not their fault or problem. Read that again: the way they made me feel inside of me was not their doing. Were their actions triggering something inside me? Yes, but that is because the hurt/pain/trauma was already there and they just activated the pain. They were triggering something inside me that needed love and support. A part of me that never felt heard or held. A part of me that needed help.
While the bedtime routine, lunches, and drop-offs were physically taxing, it is not what took up the majority of my energy. It was the invisible mental and emotional labor women, and especially mothers, face on the daily.
It’s the kids passing your partner in the kitchen to ask you for a drink. It’s the tantrum that your kids would never throw in front of your partner, or if they did it somehow becomes your problem. It’s the whining and crying and asking for things that they would never do with your partner. It’s having to yell because you’ve asked multiple times and no one seems to listen.
This is the premise of invisible labor. And it turns out this—everything we are describing, the visible and invisible labor—is studied in academia and referred to as social reproduction.
Want to know the financial impact of invisible labor by women in America… it’s been calculated.
“If American women earned minimum wage for the unpaid work they do around the house and caring for relatives, they would have made $1.5 trillion last year.” —The New York Times.
For centuries, we have had to prove our work is valuable. Yet, it’s hard to prove the value of invisible work. This invisible work is only invisible because the patriarchy has made humans believe that the work of women is in some way less than or less valuable than the work of men.
When did this happen, how did this happen, why did this happen? There are many historical events across time that made women’s work meaningless, and it lives on today in the patriarchy, capitalism, and other oppressive systems such as religion.
I believe there are four key areas for regaining our worth—education, empathy, empowerment, and enthusiasm.
Education – With education comes clarity. When we become aware of oppressive systems that keep us from feeling worthy, this is our awakening—it’s our aha moment—which can make us very angry. But anger, if we let it, can transform into passion and action. So, let’s bring in religion here because it has been one of the greatest sources of my oppression and the oppression of all women. This is especially true for Christianity after the fourth century when Christianity merged with the Roman Empire (which severely oppressed women). When I learned that in the First Christ Movement, prior to the fourth century, women were leaders, teachers, and preachers, I felt liberated. It wasn’t Christ who oppressed women—it was the churches, which were tied to empires/politics/governments and wanted women oppressed. And these systems of oppression are still alive and well. Knowing that there are systems that were created to thrive and gain economically ($1.5 trillion reminder), emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally, off the invisible unpaid work of women opens our eyes to start valuing our own work. Let this education help us remember we are worthy and that what we do matters. The work you do is not invisible because you see it, because you feel it—so make it visible to others.
Empathy – With empathy comes confidence. We live in a world that is still learning to value the work of women, and patriarchal oppressive systems want to keep us from knowing our value. Because, again, others thrive off women’s need to prove—whether that’s in corporate or consumerism. The best way to teach others how to value the work of women is to do just that—value the work of women. Value your work. Value women. Value the invisible work you do. Speak kindly of other women. Don’t criticize yourself, nor other women. These oppressive systems are designed to make us feel less than, to make us feel unworthy and not valued. These systems are developed to keep us proving and make us believe that something is wrong with us—that we are the problem. So have empathy for yourself, or rather within yourself. Honor how you feel. Feel. Feel deeply. The origins of the word empathy stem from the Greek word empatheia, meaning passion or emotional intensity—not how empathy is referenced today. Allow your emotional intensity and passion to be understood. Listen to yourself. Honor your emotions, thoughts, feelings, experiences. The more we know ourselves, the more confident we are. The more we know ourselves, the more we know God. Rumi, the 13th-century Sufi mystic and poet, wrote, “I searched for God and found only myself. I searched for myself and found only God.” He also wrote, “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” In context to the invisible work, when we make our feelings about the invisible work visible, we allow Light to enter our wounds that are hidden in the dark.
(Side note: If you are spiritual, the oppressive systems live there too—I will write a future blog about this. Know this: Your thoughts DON’T create your reality, as some may say—oppressive systemic thoughts that were instilled in you create your reality. Until you awaken to the patriarchal oppressive systems and start creating your own thoughts, your reality is being shaped by oppressive systems.)
Empowerment – With empowerment comes courage. Oppressive systems like the patriarchy are disempowering, which fuels codependency. Codependency occurs when trust is lost, worth is doubted, and fear takes over. Codependency is often associated with reactive feelings like shame, anxiety, anger, resentment, and guilt—and behaviors like control, manipulation, people-pleasing, perfectionism, lack of boundaries, selflessness, overworking to prove our worth, emotional suppression, ignoring your own needs, seeking approval or validation, self-betrayal, internalized oppression—blaming or criticizing yourself. Oppressive systems thrive on codependency. Codependency strips us of our voice and choice. We abide by oppressive cultural and patriarchal standards due to the fear of the feelings we will feel. We don’t want to feel like a bad mom, bad wife, bad employee, or bad anything. So we give away more and more of ourselves, and the more we do, the more reactive we become because the less whole we feel. It feels like everyone keeps taking from us, so we guard what little we have left with reactive feelings—and then feel even worse. When we find ourselves getting frustrated over the unappreciated invisible work, empowerment comes when we recognize our codependent tendencies brought on by systemic oppression and honor how we feel. The most powerful thing we can do is accept how we feel with unconditional love. Then in, with, and through love, we use our voices to make different choices—whether that’s setting boundaries, expressing what we need or how we feel, or asking for help.
Enthusiasm – Enthusiasm means “in spirit,” and it comes with compassion. Our work is to become interdependent, not necessarily independent. There is a difference. Codependency thrives on a lack of self-worth and makes us lose a sense of self. Codependency makes us reliant upon someone or something else—a system, institution, religion, corporation—in order to feel worthy or validate our feelings. Independence makes us believe we have to be strong, do it all on our own, and possibly shut others out. But interdependence guides us to the path of enthusiasm, knowing that we don’t have to do anything alone, and that we are never alone. Enthusiasm gives way to interdependence, reminding us that we are in Spirit. Spirit is within us, guiding us, loving us, and we can never be separate from Spirit. Enthusiasm reminds us that we have the ability to accept the Love of Spirit in every moment, to create a life we love, and that we deserve the love and support we need and crave. Enthusiasm allows compassion into the invisible work. The word compassion has roots in the Greek word splagchnizomai, which means “to be moved in the inward parts.” The Greeks considered the “inward parts” to be the seat of the emotions, yet in the Greek translation we also have the word moved. To move is to take action. Compassion is not only to feel but to act—it is a step beyond empathy. Enthusiasm is about taking aligned (in Spirit) action. It’s about feeling into our heart, trusting ourselves, and taking action to make the world a more loving and just place for all.
In closing, take time for yourself. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Value your time. Value yourself. Know you are worthy—because you are—not because of what you have done or do but because of who you are. Not because of what you think, but because you exist.
The associated video encompasses how oppressive patriarchal systems have been working to make women’s work, and women, invisible for centuries. You will learn about women’s leadership in the First Christ Movement and how women were taken out of history, making women literally invisible within the church. I invite you to watch and think about how this could have contributed to all of the invisible work you do today that’s not appreciated—and what’s one thing you can do today in your life to change the narrative of invisible work?
