It has taken me weeks to write this blog post. I wrote this blog twice and scrapped both versions. Not something I have done before. As I sat to write, nothing felt right. Then a song came to me: “The Next Right Thing” by Kristen Bell from Frozen 2. And I realized — I have grief. A lot of it. I have anger and sadness. I have shame and guilt. Tears fall down my face as I write this. I’m sad for who I never got to be, for who I had to be. For what I had to feel and what I never got to feel.
How did we get here? How did we steer so far from love?
In my blog, How Anger Led to My Freedom: The Power of Passion, I share that the Gospel of Mary, among many other gospels, were left out of the canonical gospels (i.e., the gospels chosen by men around the fourth century that eventually became the New Testament). These gospels teach us about love, a kind, compassionate Love of the Divine. These Gnostic gospels teach us the Kingdom of Heaven, God, is within us. These gospels are liberating, which is why they were taken out of the canonical Bible. If we know God is within us, then we do not need the fear of hell, or the promise of heaven. We do not need the church. We do not need to live in or through fear and control.
Once I felt this love from within me, all I have ever wanted is for others to feel this unexplainable, fulfilled Love. It’s a Love I grieve for, I long for. It’s a love I try to fill with other things when I forget to connect to it. When I forget it’s within me, available at each moment. Connecting to this Love is a daily, moment-to-moment, act of remembrance because we live within patriarchal oppressive systems that don’t want us to know the love that we are. Reconnecting to this Love is an act of rebellion. In a world that works to suppress our voices and choices, that reminds us daily of how unworthy the system wants us to be — we get to choose our act of protest, our act of rebellion in the name of Love.
Many have also vastly misunderstood the canonical gospels. We are at a time right now when Jesus and Christianity are being used against the very people Jesus worked to free. Jesus’s entire ministry was a radical act of freeing the oppressed. Jesus stood up against social, political, and religious oppression with Love. He healed the sick, helped the poor and hungry, stood for women and widows, and welcomed immigrants and outcasts.
Psalms 103:6: “The Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.”
Let it be known that Jesus’s version of Christianity (the First Christ Movement) was a movement for the oppressed. People were tired of Greco and Roman rule, and following Jesus was an act of liberation, freedom, and love.
Here we are two thousand years later, and we still have oppressive systems working to keep us in boxes, to silence our voices, to busy our minds with survival, distraction, and dissociation so that we don’t have time, energy, or effort to do what we love, be with who we love, or remember who we are. We are taught to suppress our feelings and repress our voices. For if we truly felt what we are feeling, the grief would come, the anger would motivate, and our passion would drive us to change. This is why the patriarchy and most religions focus on the suppression of feelings — making the “negative” feelings bad, and if we have the “bad” feelings then we are made to feel shameful or guilty. So we do all we can to avoid feeling.
When was the last time you were allowed or able to experience a “bad” feeling without feeling the need to apologize or feel guilty for how you felt? I’m here to tell you that your grief is valid, your anger is valid, your sadness, frustration, irritation, resentment, feelings of hurt, shame, fear, and pain — they are all valid. All of your feelings are valid. (This message is also for me. :))
I have a feeling that lies deeper within me than sadness — it is grief. Sadness hurts, but grief feels like a part of me is missing and it feels like I can’t get her back, at least not fully. I think about myself as a child, all the things I could never feel or do. The joy, the love, the spark, the creativity, the freedom that was dimmed by all the people who too felt grief, and their grief turned to anger and I became the outlet of that anger. The spark that flickered with accomplishments, approvals, and validation, to feel the love I deeply desired — but it never quite lasted.
Somewhere along the way, as the spark was dimming, I realized I was conforming to be who everyone else needed me to be — a good daughter, wife, mother, friend, sister, employee, etc. It was a never-ending list, and it felt that no matter what I did someone would end up upset with me. My spark was shadowed by all of who I needed to be — the things I needed to say and do to keep everyone else happy.
And that’s how I started living — like a shadow of myself. Yes, I smiled, and from the outside everything looked great, but on the inside I felt hollow. Why did this happen? How did this happen?
Child psychologists will attribute it to our upbringing, spirituality to karma, and religion — or at least Christianity — will attribute this to women. How? You ask, let me explain. Remember how Eve ate the apple (knowledge) and then Adam and Eve realized they were naked and boom, sin was born? Well, that story has profound impacts on women’s mental and emotional well-being.
In my academic paper “A Feminist Viewpoint on Christian History and the Healing Power of Christian Herstory” I share about religious trauma (YouTube video below provides details). Here are a few impacts of religious trauma discussed in my paper:
- Have you ever felt like you deserved to be punished or punish yourself? If a child is taught that she is a sinner who deserves punishment, she may believe that those who have authority to punish her do so because she deserves it.
- Have you ever felt shamed for something you said, did, wore, or didn’t do? Shame makes us believe there is something inherently wrong with us. Shame has been used as a primary source to control women since Greco-Roman times. It lives on within many churches/religions today condemning women and girls for who they are. Shame is instilled and inherited. It lives within us due to the patriarchy and other systems of oppression.
- Ever felt bad for being angry or not being able to control your emotions? Religious trauma includes the binary of emotions as good or bad, acceptable or unacceptable.
- Ever struggled with guilt or anxiety? The inability to “manage” emotions that religion deems as bad can contribute to depression, anxiety, guilt, and addictive or compulsive behaviors.
- Have you ever felt unworthy? The church stripped women of their leadership positions in the church. Women in the First Christ Movement were leaders, teachers, preachers, and healers. But as Christianity and the Roman Empire merged, women were pushed out of their positions and made to feel unworthy.
If you have experienced any of the above impacts, you may have experienced or are experiencing religious trauma. Didn’t grow up religious? You can still experience religious trauma.
Religion makes us believe our experiences are our fault, and there is nothing we can do about it except go to church, follow church rules, and maybe — just maybe — if you’re good enough, you can go to heaven.
Shame can be, and is, used to manipulate people into obedience and compliance.
In order to free ourselves, we must be ourselves, educate ourselves, heal ourselves, speak up about injustices, and stand up for others who are being shamed or criticized for who they are or who they choose to be.
Most of all, we must follow our heart, even if nobody else understands or supports us.
In the Gospel of Mary, Jesus states: “Become content at heart, while also remaining discontent and disobedient” (Mary 3:12).
You can easily see why the Gospel of Mary was not included in the canonical text. This side of Jesus — that we have not had access to for over 1500 years (that’s how long the Gnostic gospels were hidden) — teaches us to follow our heart. To know that we are worthy of Love, not because of something we did or didn’t do, but simply because we exist. And to know that within our hearts, inside of us, there is a Love that is forever free. A Love that whispers to us to stay discontent with the way of the world and disobedient to oppression.
May you experience more Love than you have ever known. May you experience this Love from within you. May you remember your worth and set yourself free.
With Love,
Jessica
