Since the miracle of my son in 2018, I’ve been on a healing journey back to my Self. When I started coming back to myself, choosing me, as hard as it was, I didn’t even know what healing was.
Yet, I discovered healing and it changed my life. Since then, I’ve spent thousands of hours healing what no longer serves me, letting go of patterns and cycles, limiting belief systems, negative self-talk, and outdated beliefs, and getting to the core of why I was overworked, stressed, overwhelmed, guilty, and more. I have realized in this process that it is not just in the doing but in the undoing, the healing, that the real transformation occurs.
One of the greatest realizations on this multi-year journey is this: before embarking on my healing journey, I didn’t trust myself or love myself, and I didn’t know my value or my worth. Ultimately, the root cause came down to one thing:
I felt unworthy of love.
Feeling unworthy of love showed up in my life in many ways, including:
- Not setting boundaries
- People pleasing
- Over giving
- Burnout
- Avoiding difficult conversations
- Type A personality
- High achiever
- Hard worker
- Being overwhelmed
- Overspending
- Irritation with my kids
- Resentment towards my husband
- Frustration with work
- Guilt for pretty much everything
- Overdoing (not feeling like I could rest)
- Suppressing/ignoring my feelings (I’m fine)
- Feeling like my needs and wants didn’t matter
- Questioning my decisions, my thoughts, and almost everything I said or did
Burnout is the result of feeling unworthy. That’s why I disconnected from myself so long ago because who I was never seemed to be enough. What this looked like in my life:
- I didn’t trust myself – I questioned most of the decisions I made.
- I listened to everyone else because I thought or rather was taught that they knew better – I would get other people’s opinions about decisions in my life and typically go with theirs.
- I didn’t listen to my heart – I continuously made logical decisions even if it meant abandoning and betraying my own heart.
- I didn’t listen to my body – I would push my body, not exercise, eat unhealthy food, and try my best to ignore my physical symptoms of tension.
- I didn’t need or want to be too assertive or loud or mean – I avoided confrontation and typically did what others wanted to do to keep the peace.
- I ignored my needs and wants, feeling guilty for even having them and disappointed they were never met – I had work goals, objectives, and strategies, but I didn’t have my own dream goals, where I wanted to be in five to ten years, not just at work but in life.
The Impacts of the Patriarchy
Now, what I have learned is most of the problems I have been healing from all stemmed from a system—the patriarchy. Patriarchy is defined as a system of society or government in which the father or eldest male is head of the family, and descent is traced through the male line.
This patriarchal society taught me that I wasn’t worthy of being loved just as I am, I wasn’t enough, and I wasn’t lovable. I learned early that parts of me were bad and unlovable. I learned that love needed to be earned, and if I strive for perfection, act a certain way, and always give all of myself, then God would love me. I didn’t want to disappoint God. This is when I lost my boundaries and started living with guilt and shame for the parts of me that I was taught were bad and unworthy of love.
The patriarchy told me who to be and how to be. The patriarchy also showed me that it was okay to strive and struggle in the pursuit of happiness and success but not how to handle failure, which is inevitable. It taught me to hide who I was because it made others uncomfortable, whether that was my emotions, voice, or choices.
I had so many roles to play—mom, employee, dishwasher, laundry person, bill payer, friend, daughter, sister, niece, cousin, granddaughter, doctor or dentist appointment maker and taker, and at-home nurse. I was also the emotional caregiver, vacation planner and packer, tax prepper, homework tutor, and shopper for the house, kids, and groceries; in addition, I was the landlord, remodeler, Tiger team go-to, and extra assignment helper at work. How could I simply be me?
I was so disconnected from myself, heart, body, dreams, desires, life, and my Self.
Healing Changes Lives
It wasn’t until I started my healing journey that I realized my Type A, overachieving personality traits were my response to trauma; they led to me becoming a workaholic. In Dr. Nicole LePera’s book, How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self, she discusses spiritual trauma; this is classified as any time we must abandon ourselves to feel loved. (source)
Take a moment here to imagine how many times you have abandoned yourself and done something you didn’t want to. Just start with today; how many things have you done today that have frustrated you, made you sigh, and made you think, “Why do I always have to do this?” This had to start somewhere. It most likely started in childhood, learning to abandon ourselves so that we will feel loved, enough, worthy, heard, seen, or a part of the family.
The essence of my work is to honor all our parts. I believe the parts of us keeping us from our Self, our intuition, our soul, are parts of us frozen in time. When we go back and honor these parts of us, we have the opportunity to set them free.
The challenges in our lives, self-criticism, and strained relationships are all a call for help from within, manifesting in our lives to get our attention. These parts are ready to connect and share, and we are the only ones who can give them a voice. When we do this, it opens space within us for our souls.
In all that I have learned and experienced, the most transformation has come through the healing—the undoing and the unlearning of what I inherited, what I took on from culture, society, family, school, friends, the patriarchy, and more.
My journey of healing led me back to myself, and I am here to help you embark on your own journey. Together, we can discover your true self and create a life of purpose and fulfillment.
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